"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. Love never fails..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I chose to save the second part of Hope, which I had planned to post today. For God has given me a sweet answer to a prayer that I wept to Him yesterday. To tell you of His answer, I must tell you a bit of my story.
I recently found myself wounded, betrayed and disappointed. I knew in my heart that forgiveness was mine to give through the Holy Spirit (it's a good thing, too, because I wouldn't have had it in myself). The thing I have learned about forgiveness is that sometimes it has to be given more than once for the same offense. And I don't mean the same offense committed again. I mean the same offense revisited in memories, and in future trust issues-those type things.
I have only ever struggled with forgiving memories in one other situation. It was several years ago and the "offender" was an acquaintance. Anyway, at the time and for some time after, I was devastated! To say that I was hurt would be a gross understatement, though all of that situation pales in comparison to the one I faced recently. That is the amazing thing about God's plan. Each part of it prepares us for the next. Nothing happens outside of His knowledge and provision.
What I learned from that situation that has helped me so much in this one, is found in the story of Joseph. You know the story. Joseph's brothers sell him into slavery because of anger and jealousy. Many years later, they are at his mercy and they apologize (mostly out of shame and fear)-Genesis 47. Then again in chapter 50 of Genesis, they apologize (out of shame and fear). Both times Joseph forgives them, but I love his words in v. 50:19- "...Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended it to harm me but God intended it for good..."
I remember the day I heard those words three years ago. I was studying THE PATRIARCHS and Beth Moore was teaching on video. It was as if she looked straight into my eyes and reached through the screen and held my heart in her hands. She went on to say that sometimes we wait so long for an apology and when we finally get it, we know that the offender has no clue about what their action cost us, and the apology doesn't make us feel the way we thought it would. But God knows what we suffer, and He cares. Not only that, but He has a plan!
So that brings me to the prayer that I wept to my Father yesterday afternoon. This most recent hurt, leaves me absolutely raw, because unlike the one which came from an acquaintance, this one came from a person I dearly love, a person I have a precious relationship with. And when I shared with the person how the offense had cost me, there was barely an acknowledgement, and no understanding. The apology was forced, and I am guessing that it came from a place of fear and shame.
God helped me to forgive then, and yesterday, as I felt fresh with hurt, I asked God to do it once more. I asked that His love (His AGAPE love) would erase the recorded wrong from my mind and heart. I also asked that His love would help me to always protect-because nothing good can come from exposing this sin; to always trust- because no relationship can grow without trust; to always hope-because I need the promise that my heart will heal; and to always persevere, because that is the way God loves us every time we mess up. He never fails!!!
My answer came today in the form of an acknowledgement, and a heartfelt apology-at almost the exact time that I had prayed yesterday. I do not gather that the person understands the depth of my hurt, but that isn't the point. The point is that I wanted to feel God's love and I wanted to be able to give it as well. He delivered a message of love through that apology and yes, once more He allowed me to love by receiving the apology and forgiving the offense.
God sometimes takes longer to deliver the apology we want as in the case of Joseph. And some apologies may not come in this lifetime. Rest assured though, nothing has happened to you that God does not know and care about. He hurts for you. And somehow, He will make something good from your pain. I pray desperately, that in sharing this, I will not spark the curiosity of those who know me, but that perhaps someone who is hurting from a similar situation will find peace and feel God's Agape love.
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Forgiveness is a hard thing to do. It is necessary, but hard. I learned many years ago forgiveness is an act of your will. It has nothing to do with feelings. I may feel miserable, but I still have to forgive, hourly if necessary. The evil one will try over and over to make you think about what you don't want or need to think about and to make you feel bad. That's when it's time to forgive again and fill your mind with God's Word. Praise songs help too. I had to work on forgiving. It took a very long time to overcome. I really don't know how long it took. I realized one day that's it's okay. It doesn't take away from the wrong done to you, but not forgiving only hurts you not the offender. They don't loose sleep, get headaches, upset stomachs or anything else. They merrily go on there way, while you are miserable. In fact, forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the offender. Forgiving releases you. It's an act of obedience that Jesus asks us to do. Disobedience always hurts you. It is nice if the offender realizes they need to ask for forgiveness or even just to apologize. But you are right, sometimes that does not ever come. Their ignorance doesn't have an affect on your action and that is simply to forgive, over and over and over.
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